It took me a really long time to realize it, the fact that I killed someone – which I did. Killing someone is a horrible thing. The person who dies of course doesn’t have to endure the pain that the friends and loved ones left behind go through. In fact for the one who dies, it might mean the end of pain for them. The funeral, the memorial service, they are done for the comfort of the living – it’s a time for people with perhaps a singular connection to console each other, share their sadness, celebrate the life that is no longer with them, only to then move on with memories of a life lost. The one they love, the wonderful person that was their best friend, their brother or sister, their mother or father, maybe just someone they didn’t know well but felt an affinity toward and feel the loss of their presence, sadly, that person is dead.

Yep, I’m the murderer. I killed him. He was so close to killing himself that trying to stop him no longer worked

Yep, I killed a person just like that. He was loved by his family. He was looked up to by his two younger brothers. His parents were proud of him for his accomplishments personally and professionally. He had skills that his friends admired. But he had to go – so I killed him. He would have killed himself if I had let him live much longer, he was in such pain I couldn’t let it go on any further.

Yep, I’m the murderer. I killed him. He was so close to killing himself that trying to stop him no longer worked. He talked to Pastors, other Christians, he prayed to God but with no relief of the pain he finally had a plan to kill himself. What stopped him from following through with that plan was the acceptance that other than in physical appearance, “he” was in fact a “she”. And when I made the decision to live my life as who I really was, I had to kill the person I had been. And with that there were many people who unable to accept the person I truly am, were left only to grieve the loss of the person they knew. That is the story with my family, they feel sadness and anger at the life I took away from them. My best friend at the time likewise could only grieve over the loss and couldn’t continue with me along my journey in this life.

So… have you been there? Does your family no longer speak to you, maybe to the extent that they no longer admit that you even exist? Well this is for you. First, I don’t have a magic bullet or magic pill. There is no such thing. But if you were at the point that you were ready to kill yourself when you told your closest friends and family – I can totally relate because I was there and ready to do it myself, and I’m thankful just for the fact that you’re still here to read this right now.

No one who isn’t transgender understands that feeling of being pulled apart, that feeling of your body telling you you’re supposed to be one person and your very being is telling you that you’re not that person – you’re not the boy/girl (man/woman) that your body tells everyone else you are. And rather than try to understand, try to support you during this very difficult time in your life, some people unable to deal with it choose to separate you from their life. For them, it may be that they feel you’re killing the person they already know and love. They can’t see the pain you carry inside, all they see is the outside. And often the first response people have is anger. Anger at you for wanting to take away (or have already taken) the person they know and love. You’re the killer, you’re the murderer – how could you do that to them? That anger may take many forms. It may appear as disgust, it may even be violent – be it verbal or physical violence. Their lashing out is just their way of expressing how badly they don’t want to “lose” you – and if you go forward they fear they will.

I just want to ask that you don’t mistake their anger as hate. They may HATE what you’re doing (or have done) but they don’t hate you. The reason they’re reacting this way is because they care about you and want the person they know to stay in their life – and yes, they don’t understand. They don’t understand that there is a better, happier (not to mention alive) person on the other side. They may NEVER understand and may never come around to taking you back into their life. Does it hurt? Absolutely! Just as they grieve over the loss of their friend/loved one you will grieve over the loss of them in your life. You can’t force your way back in, all you can do is let them know that you still care about them. Try sending a card at Christmas or for a birthday. If you’re on speaking terms, make the occasional phone call (don’t just text – let them hear both the love and pain in your voice.) Let them know that you still love them. You won’t get anywhere pounding them with a hammer, so try chipping away at them with love – even if it’s not returned, you’re still making the world a better place and yourself a better person.

Please click here to “LIKE” my Facebook page, help me reach the Church and Christians who are transgender.

Sign up now and get my new posts sent to your inbox and to stay informed of my upcoming book.
No spam and your email address will not be sold or given to anyone – ever!