Yep, I’m pretty sure He said it. My guess is right after Eve and Adam took that bite from the fruit. If you haven’t read why I believe God Doesn’t Make Mistakes, that might help what I say here make better sense.
God’s perfect plan was that Adam and Eve would stay away from the tree – they didn’t. They invited Sin into the world, and here we are. Because I was born transgender, I never felt I could be a worthy representative for our Lord. I always felt that if I talked to someone about Jesus and somehow they later found out that I was transgender, it would invalidate anything I said.
I played trumpet in a Christian group at my church during my high school and college years. We would take time out during rehearsals each week and the director would give us a brief Bible study. When we had performances, she encouraged us immediately after the performance to go out and talk with people who were listening. I never did. I was incapable. I loved our Lord, He was in my heart. But also in my heart there was the part that knew who I truly was and I could never allow that part to become public. It was too personal, too private, it was my ultimate secret. I didn’t know how to open up one area of my heart and protect the part that I couldn’t allow to become public. I would help wrap microphone cords, pack up instruments, ANYTHING so that I didn’t have to talk to people. If someone did walk up to me to say they enjoyed it I would just smile and say thank you and resume whatever task I was doing. And yes, I felt guilty about it. I felt the shame of not talking to people about the Lord, and I felt the shame that if anyone knew why I was off in my own world there would be only rejection waiting for me (whether actual or imagined.)
I was a lemon, I was defective. How could God possibly use me? I’m not normal, and even though no one else knew my secret, I knew. And that’s all it took to completely take me out of the game. I was a pretty good trumpet player, but I don’t remember anyone jumping up shouting “praise Jesus” and fainting backwards over my playing. If my playing didn’t touch someone’s spirit, then I didn’t touch anyone’s spirit because my mouth was silent.
So for most of my life that was it. Particularly before my transition. I felt I had no credibility representing our Lord. After my transition things began to change. I no longer felt like I was living a lie. I found it easier to talk about my faith. Slowly, very very slowly, I was able to open up that door that allowed me to talk about my relationship with God. And just in the last few months, I finally understood God’s will for my life, my purpose for being here at all – to help other Christians. To open up about all the stuff, good and bad, that I’ve gone through to help you navigate your Christian life a little bit better as someone who is transgender. Satan (that son-of-a-bitch and heretofore referred to as that SOB) would love to take YOU out of the game. To make you feel unworthy of God’s love, His grace, and unqualified to talk to others about Him. Well, if the Holy Spirit is alive in you, then you are qualified – period. Anything else you may think is a lie from that SOB.
Nine months ago, having a web page with my photo on it saying I am a Christian and I am transgender was the last thing on Earth I would think I would do. I was more likely to fly to the space station than put myself out here. But God let me know that not only was it OK, it’s what He wanted me to do. I DIDN’T want to do it. I sent an email to my spiritual mom and to the woman’s Pastor at my church titled “Am I Called or Crazy?” I couldn’t believe that this had even become a possibility in my life, but there it was. A friend told me “When God calls us to something, He is serious about it.” I’m serious about my Lord, I had to take it serious.
Be open to what the Lord might want you to do. You don’t have to plaster your picture on a web page, but perhaps you know other transgender brothers or sisters who are struggling. Christ loves them – period. Tell them. Invite them to church with you. Remind them that your church is filled with imperfect people trying to figure life out just like they are. Does your Pastor know your history? Do you know how he feels about Christians who are transgender? There might be an opportunity to help educate him a little (yes – this can get tricky, I need to write an article about this.) Above all just allow the Lord to lead you, seek His guidance and don’t let that SOB mess with your head. God will whip up a great batch of Lemonade if you let Him.
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