Who reading this hasn’t been to a wedding that ended with the minister saying “What therefore God has joined together, let no one put asunder”? What exactly does that mean?

The phrase is a quote of Jesus in Mark 10:9 using the King James language. The word “asunder” actually dates all the way back to the 14th century and is from the verb “sundar” which means “to break apart” or “in two.” When a marriage has integrity, it is whole. The two people are one family. When a marriage doesn’t have integrity, just as when the hull of a boat loses integrity and begins to leak, cracks form within the marriage and if not corrected it will completely fail, just like the boat taking on water.

For many transgender people, they trade away the unrelenting internal pain of not living with integrity in exchange for a lesser but equally unrelenting pain of public ridicule and rejection

The Oxford English dictionary defines integrity as “The state of being whole and undivided” – and as part of that definition it adds “The condition of being unified or sound in construction” and “Internal consistency of lack of corruption in electronic data.” One Sunday morning my pastor said integrity “is when the person you are in public is the same as you are in private.”

When people hear that someone is transgender one of their first thoughts is that is has something to do with sex (in part because the “T” has been associated with LGB in society.) But it’s not what someone who is transgender is thinking about when dealing with the fact that the “who they are” (their mind and soul) doesn’t match the “what they are” (their body.)

“The condition of being unified or sound in construction” is something anyone who is transgender knows the meaning of. It’s about NOT being unified, your “construction” is wrong. Some think therapy can “fix” it. Uh, no. Now in fairness there are some who are transgender (since it’s an umbrella term for varying degrees) that can be helped in coping with it without feeling the need to resort to surgery. For those who are transsexual (like myself) there is no “coping” with it and continuing to live as your body would say you should (hence the astronomical suicide rate among those who are transgender.)

When in Psalm 139:13-14 King David says “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made” he is not saying that we were “perfectly” made. He is referring to how we are distinct, unique and separated from all of God’s other creations.

That last part of the Oxford dictionary definition at first I disregarded because it was talking about electronics/computers and assumed it wouldn’t really apply here – but it does. Whether you have a computer, a smart phone, a tablet or pretty much anything electronic these days, the first thing it does when you turn it on is an “integrity check”. It checks it’s various components to make sure everything is as it should be before proceeding. If it fails the integrity check then you usually get some kind of warning or sound to let you know. Being transgender is like living with a 24/7 failed integrity check. You’re constantly aware of the incongruity between the who you are and who you’re supposed to be (at least to other people.)

You’re constantly aware of the incongruity between the who you are and who you’re supposed to be…

So it all gets perfect for those who transition to the gender that matches their mind and soul, right? Well, no. For starters, some find it difficult just from an appearance standpoint. For example biological men tend to be taller than women, I’m 6’3″ and so surprise – I almost never wear heels. I already stand out which is not my first choice but it is what it is.

Not even surgery makes everything perfect.

Then there is the the interpersonal issues, especially for a Christian who wants to be part of a community yet fears (based on experience or perception) rejection from the very people he or she wishes to worship with and do life with. For someone who doesn’t “pass” well as either a man or woman it can lead to anything from a raised eyebrow to out and out confrontation. So not surprisingly the suicide rate is still high even for those who are able to have surgery, life remain difficult, only now in a different way.

The only goal of a transgender individual is to live as a whole person…with integrity…as the person they were fearfully and wonderfully made to be. Sadly, when they transition into the best physical representation of who they are in their mind and soul, they must deal with a society who can’t comprehend the phenomena as anything other than a sexual preference. They are stripped down to a “T” and judged to be a part of a social/political movement most transgender people actually have no interest in being identified with. Most simply want to live a quiet life with family and friends who accept them for who they genuinely, really, truly are. A dream that rarely comes true. For many transgender people, they trade away the unrelenting internal pain of not living with integrity in exchange for a lesser but equally unrelenting pain of public ridicule and rejection.

Find it in your heart to have compassion on those who are transgender. They may not be hurting in a way that can be seen, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t suffering. They aren’t out to invade your bathrooms and molest your children. They aren’t trying to convince people that you can be whatever gender you want to be whenever you want to be. They aren’t looking for a “loophole” so they can have sex with someone of the same sex and be okay with scripture. They are just trying to find a way to live a full and long life here on Earth and as Christians serve our Lord as His disciples, just as we all are.

– Blessings

(my dear friend Sharon Bollum contributed to this post – her awesome writing can be found at SharonBollum.com)

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