I was sitting with my friend Julie a few nights ago who was sharing about the time she learned her grandmother, whom she deeply loved had stage four cancer and about six months to live.

…the thought of having to face her grandmother knowing death was in her future just brought the tears out again.

Julie’s grandmother was in the hospital as was Julie when they got the news.  When she heard of the diagnosis and the prognosis, Julie was grief stricken. After all, she works basically as a grief and guidance counselor for individuals and their families at this very hospital facing situations exactly like this. As a result she knew what it meant, and what her grandmother would be going through the next several months.

But even with all her knowledge and background in this very subject, Julie couldn’t even go into her grandmother’s room, she couldn’t turn off the tears and didn’t want to have her grandmother see her falling apart in sadness and grief. She wanted to be someone who could be strong and give support to her grandmother.

But she couldn’t. She went outside and for the next 2 ½ hours she cried on the steps of the hospital. When she had cried herself out the thought of having to face her grandmother knowing death was in her future just brought the tears out again. And again and again.

Finally she was able to pull herself together to go back up to her grandmother’s room – well, just outside the room. When Julie’s father encouraged her to go in, that her grandmother had been asking for her Julie was hesitant. She could feel the tears in her eyes trying to well up and return.

“I was hoping you’d be here so I would have someone to cry with.”

Julie had helped so many other people in similar situations, but finding herself in this very situation she didn’t know how to go into that room and face her grandmother. She didn’t want to make her grandmother feel worse about what was already the worse news ever.

It was a struggle, but she pulled herself together and when she felt she was ready, she walked into her grandmother’s hospital room ready to be the loving and supportive granddaughter that she wanted to be. Her grandmother saw her and smiled, then asked Julie “where have you been? I’ve been waiting for you.” Julie felt a little guilt because she hadn’t been able to see her grandmother sooner. Julie told her grandmother “I was crying and I didn’t want you to see me like that”. That’s when Julie’s grandmother said “I was hoping you’d be here so I would have someone to cry with.”

I was instantly struck that how we often deal with others who are grieving is how WE think they would LIKE us to be in that situation. So we do our best, based on our own “wisdom” (I use that term loosely in this case) to do “the right thing.”

While we want to “be there” for people, sometime all they really need is for us to actually BE there.

We often will say we want to “be there” for our friends and family, but what does that mean? Many times that means we put it upon the other person, the person who is terminally ill, the parent with a very sick child, the person that is just suffering so much they are nearly paralyzed and unable to tell us what they need. Asking “what can I do” may make us feel better, but what if it’s just too hard for the person to ask for themselves?

While we say we want to “be there” for people, sometime all they really need is for us to actually BE there.

In Matthew 25 verses 35-36 it says “For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.” (NIV)

It’s pretty easy as a follower of Christ to meet needs when we know what those needs are. But sometimes we just don’t know what the exact need is – we know the hurt or pain but we don’t know the answer that helps the situation.

I’m sure most of us have been in that uncomfortable position of where we just don’t know what to say, what words of comfort we can bring. How we can make things better. And as a result we might just stay away, not even go to the hurting person because we just don’t know how we can do anything that will make the person feel better.

Maybe that’s not the point. Maybe it’s not about making someone feel better, but it’s about making some not feel like they’re all alone.

…it’s not about having the right words, it’s not about doing “something” so that we can feel like we at least “tried something.” It’s about being there.

All Julie needed to do when she first heard about her grandmother was walk into the room and they could have cried together for as long as they wanted to – that’s all Julie’s grandmother needed. Someone to literally BE there to cry with her. Julie was so concerned about what she THOUGHT her grandmother might need that she missed a golden opportunity to be EXACTLY what her grandmother needed. And the tears started to come as she told me that story, because she understood the point of what she missed in that moment with her grandmother.

When those we know and love are hurting, it’s not about having the right words, it’s not about doing “something” so that we can feel like we at least “tried something.” It’s about being there. You don’t have to say a single word. If you have a friend in the hospital, go there. Take a book. Sit there with them. If they feel like talking, talk to them. If they don’t – then read your book. But BE there.

Maybe your friend isn’t in a hospital, but they’re hurting. They’re a mess and they struggle just with going on with life. We ask “how can I help” and maybe we don’t get an answer. Again, an opportunity to just be there. Maybe they need someone to sit with them as a friend. Your very presence, without a single word being spoken says “I’m here for you” and if they want to open up they eventually will.

Don’t put it upon the person suffering to reach out to you. Sometimes it’s hard for people to reach out, to ask for help – yes, it’s probably a pride problem with them but now’s not the time to address that issue.

Sometimes people just need someone to cry with. You can both feel the pain from your own perspectives. One person might be losing her life and the other losing the life of a loved one. But the point is just being there. I hate to think of how many people suffer alone because no one is willing to just be there because they “didn’t know what to say.”

I learned a valuable lesson from Julie that I had never heard before, I pray maybe it touches a few people here as well.

– Blessings

Please click here to “LIKE” my Facebook page, help me reach the Church and Christians who are transgender.

Sign up now and get my new posts sent to your inbox and to stay informed of my upcoming book.
No spam and your email address will not be sold or given to anyone – ever!