I struggled with this for the first half of my life. I didn’t have a word for it other than ashamed. I grew up being taught that we should share Jesus with others. And while I totally understood it and wanted to – I couldn’t.
Being transgender can so complicate your life. For me this was a LIFETIME secret I had to keep when I was younger. A boy who wants to be a girl? That goes beyond being a freak. That’s just so not normal that you don’t tell ANYONE about that because you don’t know what will happen to you if you do. This is something that gets locked down deep inside – it gets a special room in your heart that you don’t share with anyone. Unfortunately it appears (at least for me) that loving Jesus and having Him as my Savior also resided in that special room. In high school and college in particular when I was in a music group at my church that expected us to go out into the audience after our concert and talk to people about Jesus I found how difficult this was for me. It could have been in a church in Nebraska or the beach in Hawaii. We performed in all kinds of places – even prisons if they would have us.
But I just couldn’t share Jesus with people. It wasn’t because I didn’t love Jesus. It wasn’t because I didn’t understand what He did meant for us. It was because I was afraid. I was afraid of what would happen if someone I talked to later learned that they had talked to someone who was “messed up”, a “freak”. It didn’t matter if I believed it to be TRUTH what Jesus did on the cross for me, if the message came from a “pervert”, a “defective person” (pick your own term) then what I would say to them would be dismissed and God’s message would be diminished.
I don’t have a time machine. I can’t take those days back. Satan (that son of a bitch) took advantage of my situation and made me feel like if I spoke to anyone about Jesus that my being transgender would later destroy whatever good came out of the moment, so I kept quiet. While others in the music group were talking to people, I found “busy work” to do – packing up instruments, wrapping microphone cords, whatever. Just as long as I didn’t have to talk to anyone. Back then (and we’re talking many decades ago) I was afraid. But I’ve learned since then. It was that son of a bitch making me think I couldn’t share Jesus with anyone.
So… DON’T be a Laurie! You share Jesus whenever that opportunity presents itself. The Lord will honor your faithfulness. I so wish I knew this when I was younger, but I let FEAR get the best of me back then. We serve a great and mighty God. He LOVES us (His children.) Never, ever let that son of a bitch get into your head and shut down what you have to offer the world.