A week ago I posted an open letter to the pastors of my church on Facebook, why it was important to make room there for those who are LGBT and as a result of their silence, why I decided to leave. In the days that followed there were some comments and emails and I’d like to follow up with a couple of things: 1) God is faithful and 2) fear doesn’t equal hate.

First, I received many words of condolences from friends. Just so everyone who cares knows, I’m doing fine. I know I used the word “sad” a lot, so let me clarify…

If you know my history (or read my book) then you know I suffered emotional trauma at the hands of a church in Sacramento some twenty years ago that led to fourteen years of depression, most of that time NOT wanting to or actually going to church. One thing I learned during what I refer to as my “time in the wilderness” was that I’m not to put my trust in man (male or female for those of you who insist we not be sexist). I’m to put my WHOLE trust in God. Psalm 118:9 says in the NIV “It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes.” The Good News Translation says “It is better to trust in the Lord than to depend on human leaders.”

It’s a wonderful feeling to be okay with uncertainty in your life and know that it’s not up to me to figure out

That is where I went wrong in Sacramento and the lesson I learned. I trusted a pastor and ended up being crushed. I knew when I began to go to my latest church some four and a half years ago, and after having the discussion about my history and hurt with the pastor that in spite of his assurance that he didn’t want to see me get hurt again, I didn’t put my trust in that. I believed him, but I didn’t put my trust in him—because that’s not where my trust belongs. Proverbs 3:5 says to “Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart…” (I added the emphasis).

I learned that if you trust the Lord with ALL your heart, that even in the hard times, He will guide you through them, because He already knows where your path is leading and He’s okay with it.

And so, He will continue to guide me. He led me to LifeAustin where, when I first started, I was happy just to hang out in the shadows and maybe have a few friends know that I was transgender while keeping it a secret from everyone else (and therefore not developing deep relationships either). But God later laid it on my heart to start this blog and then write a book. I cried begging Him to find someone else but He chose me to do this, and I obeyed, because that’s what you do when God calls your name. Then a little over six months ago he called me again, this time to press my church to have a LifeGroup for those who are LGBT, as it’s not evident from Sunday mornings that it’s safe for someone who is LGBT to join a LifeGroup, in spite of the words from the platform. So once again, I obeyed and have done what I was called to do. I wasn’t called to make the group a reality, just make the leadership face the issue and if they don’t address it with me and the church, at least with the Lord.

So in leaving LifeAustin, I do so because yes, I need the kind of community LifeAustin can’t or won’t provide but more importantly, I leave optimistically because I TRUST GOD. I trust my Lord. I trust that the same God that brought me to LifeAustin, where I’ve been blessed and even baptized, will continue to point me in a direction He wants me to go. And even in the last week He has given me pretty good indicators of what He has planned.

So I want y’all to know that I’m doing fine, I trust God. I’m happy to be at this point in time where God wanted me to be. Currently I’m without a church home and I don’t know where I’m going to land. Jeremiah 29:11 was my life verse before I was able to fully appreciate it. It says “”For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”” Now I actually BELIEVE that promise that He made, and I can rest easy in that. It’s a wonderful feeling to be okay with uncertainty in your life and know that it’s not up to me to figure out, because God already has it figured out and all I have to do is follow Him. I pray y’all have that or will have that in your life. It truly is freeing.

TRUST the Lord. God has SUCH a better plan for your life than you do, go with His.

Second, don’t be angry with the leadership of the church I’m leaving. Don’t call their action (or inaction) hate toward me or toward those who are LGBT. It’s not ours to judge and we don’t know everything behind their thinking. I don’t doubt for a minute that the church leadership I sought a conversation with love me. They care about everyone God has placed under them. I think the sad thing for them is that they have built a structure that now is so “rigid” (for lack of a better term) that I believe in my heart if it were left just up to them, they would be okay with having a group for LGBT people. But like I said, there are other people, overseers, elders, generous wealthy givers, all part of the structure that make it hard (and apparently currently impossible) for them. They see a small group for people who are LGBT fracturing the structure that has been built, a structure that does good for people and for the community, and right or wrong (and I believe as torn as they are) they can’t go down that road. And when I wrote about being sad, that’s what I was referring to, because they don’t think they can do both.

That’s not hate toward me, I think it’s people who know what’s right but don’t know how to “sell” it to the structure of the church without damaging the structure. Nothing I asked of them was contrary to the Bible, even if their interpretation of verses in the Bible tells them everyone who is LGBT is sinning, they know that I wasn’t asking them to change their stance.

So don’t mistake reluctance with hate. If two people go overboard on a big ship, one is a family member and one is a stranger, and you only have one life preserver to throw them, should others say “hate” is why you threw it to your family member? People have choices to make, and because I trust God, this event not only won’t kill me, I’m rather excited to see what God has for me next.

TRUST the Lord. God has SUCH a better plan for your life than you do, go with His. It might make you richer, it might make you poorer. It might give you friends, it might take away friends, but if you really can find it within yourself to TRUST God in it, you’ll have that joy, the joy that people just can’t understand. The joy that lets you sleep at night. The joy that lets you know that God is driving, and you’re just the passenger.

-Blessings

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