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Holidays and Lonliness

Granted, this may be the hardest part of the year for those of us who are transgender and no longer close to our families.

And granted, it may make the holiday easier going to friends’ homes each year, but we all know that it’s at best masking the fact that we’re NOT spending the holiday with our living, breathing relatives who have chosen to NOT invite us, or even THINK about us when it comes to the holiday season. Read more “Holidays and Lonliness” →

Beware of the “but…”

It’s the “but” that ruins every sentence. It’s the “but” that no matter what came before it, no longer matters. It’s the “but” that tells you what I just said was my way of softening what it is I really want to say.

Beware of the “but.”

Pastor Mark Wingfield of Wilshire Baptist Church in Dallas (who wrote the foreword to my book) has written a great article at BaptistNews.com about how a mother of a transgender teen was told by her pastor that “We love everybody here. But it’s still a sin”.

He talks about what IS sin and why being transgender is NOT. I hope you’ll take a moment to read it and share it.

Why being transgender is not a sin

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Excerpt From Chapter 19: “God Doesn’t Make Mistakes”

The Lunch That Changed Everything

Several weeks pass. Each week I sit with Steve and Laura up front at church and we worship together (usually in the second or third row) and on occasion, we’d go to lunch together after church and have a nice talk about their family, or if it went there—politics. Now I’m just as conservative as they are, so it never was a problem, and one thing for sure you can always bet Steve has something to say on any political topic—not because he likes to talk a lot, but because he is well informed.

Finally, I’m at a point where it doesn’t make sense to keep my history a secret from them. The depth of our friendship was becoming a little one-sided. I was learning things about their family, their lives, where and how they grew up, school, etc., and for me, it was pretty much left to talking about my work, because I couldn’t tell them about all the other GREAT stuff that was going on. Finally, I had had enough. Either this was going to work, or it wasn’t. Either we were good friends, or we weren’t. This was going to create a problem at church and with Pastor, or it wasn’t.

So, I sent an email, an email to my pastor. Read more “Excerpt From Chapter 19: “God Doesn’t Make Mistakes”” →

Excerpt From Chapter 10: “God Doesn’t Make Mistakes”

Here’s a bit from Chapter 10 of the book (that comes out in THREE weeks!) This took place in the fall of 2000…

THE COLLAPSE

It was a cool fall morning when I got in my car for my meeting with Pastor Frank. It was a beautiful day. I was in a really good mood following last night’s vacation party, and I was going to meet with the pastor of the church I loved—life was good.

I go through the doors at the church and up the stairs to pastor’s office just like I had nine months earlier, and surprise, Beverly was there too. But this time I was a little caught off guard. The big smile I saw on her at that meeting months earlier was replaced with a much milder one. Suddenly I got the sense that this wasn’t a meeting to talk about the sound or the website or some other ministry at the church, but a meeting to talk TO me. The vibe was different, the loving and cheerful embrace was replaced with a more somber and reserved. “Hello, Laurie. Won’t you come in and sit down?”

Why did I feel like I had been called into the principal’s office? What did I do wrong? The feeling in the room totally mystified me.

Pastor then said, “Laurie, we love you” (uh oh, those are never good words when you’re the invitee to a meeting—those words sound like I’m at some kind of intervention). He continued, “When we first sat down months ago, you remember I had seen a different path for you than the one you’ve chosen.”

I nodded and said, “Yes, but that wasn’t something I was going to be able to do. I told you that.”

Pastor continued, “We feel that even though you’ve already had the surgery, that you technically are still male. You were born with a male body and you still have that DNA, and the fact that you’ve had surgery doesn’t change that.”

I’m sitting in my chair in stunned silence, wondering, “Where is all this going?” What is he trying to say? What does he expect me to say?

“We feel since you were born male, it’s not appropriate that you use the women’s restroom.”

My mind is beginning to spin, and my shocked and snarky attitude began to well up inside. Was I supposed to use the men’s room? “Oh, pardon me boys, don’t pay any attention to me. I’ve seen it all before, it’s just been several years that’s all. Excuse me while I lift my skirt and sit on the toilet.” I didn’t say those words because my body was paralyzed. I finally got out something profound like “Um…” followed by a confused look. “So exactly what am I supposed to do? You don’t expect me to use the men’s room?”

He said “No, downstairs there is a staff restroom. We’ll give you a key, and when you need to use it, you can.”

Stunned is the only way I can describe what I felt. All these months, the thank yous I was given, the responsibilities I was given, the trust that was shown me, the LOVE that was shown me—all of it now didn’t make any sense with what I was hearing. But this was my church, I loved this church. I loved my pastor. This place had become my family. I was too dazed to have much to say beyond a reluctant “okay.”

Then, he said something that in my stunned state didn’t register at that moment. “We’re on a collision course here.” If he thought that was true then why say it, and why prolong the inevitable “collision”? Did he think I’d even consider actually “changing”?

I just nodded and left.

My mind was buzzing on my way home. If this was what they needed to ensure peace and tranquility at the church, I guess I could go along with it. I wasn’t thrilled with it, but I wasn’t going to leave the church I love over a stupid bathroom issue. I was still being fed spiritually, I was serving, and I was (I thought) appreciated. What’s a little bathroom thing? I can do this.

At least I THOUGHT I could do it. Until about three weeks later I get called in for another “meeting.” I didn’t have any false optimism about this meeting. This time Beverly wasn’t there. It was Pastor John, the men’s pastor. I asked if Pastor Frank was going to be here and he said no, that it would just be the two of us. This was a strange twist, but I rolled with it as best I could.

Now, I didn’t expect him to say, “You know what, we made a mistake and we’re sorry.” This meeting was more like, “We’re not feeling that there’s a change in how you feel, so we need you to know that you can no longer be a part of the women’s ministry. And also, we strongly feel that it is inappropriate for you to spend time alone with Darla since it is our opinion that you are still male. If you would like to study the Bible with Jeff (Darla’s husband) that would be ok.”

If my head could have rotated a full 360 degrees, I’m sure it would have. I then was given the classic phrase that uninformed Christians (and yes, including pastors) say when they don’t have anything better to justify their discomfort… “God doesn’t make mistakes.”

Pastor John continued that my action by continuing to live as a woman (even though my surgery was seven years ago) constitutes sin, whether I thought so or not. Their position was that I was born male, and that’s how God intended it. Period—end of discussion. I was rather upset when I left. I was so confused, not about myself but about my church. I didn’t know what to do. These were people I not only loved but respected. My pastors were telling me that I was sinning, and continuing as Laurie was to do so in willing disobedience to God. Was my life a sin? Anything I “thought” I heard from God was wrong? Anything I thought about me being a woman inside was wrong? To them, it was black and white—or if you prefer male and female. And to them, I needed to change back.

Excerpt From Chapter 12: “God Doesn’t Make Mistakes”

BEATEN, BATTERED, AND BLOODIED: In Brené Brown’s book, Rising Strong, she refers to a speech given in Paris by Theodore Roosevelt in 1910. Part of the speech is as follows: “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood…”

Brené talks about being in the arena, doing life and at times—getting your butt kicked. It’s not in the cheap seats that we learn to be stronger; it’s being in the middle of it all, getting knocked down time and time again, and getting back up time and time again.

The Rocky movies are a good example of this. Rocky kept getting knocked down and yet he kept getting back up. His opponents would just shake their head in disbelief that he would keep coming back for more punishment. But at the end (spoiler alert you millennials), Rocky, badly beaten, bruised, and bloodied, comes out victorious.

Life will try to knock us down time and time again, and that son of a bitch Satan will tell us to “Stay down, stay down—don’t get up.” But it’s when we keep getting up that we get that much closer to being victorious, bruises and all over the stuff in life that’s hard.

The book will be available October 9th. You can still join the Launch Team and read it NOW by clicking here

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The Reviews are In!

A few pre-release readers have sent me unsolicited comments about the book…

“Best book ever! I’ve finished it now. I am just overwhelmed by your beautiful heart. So much love and grace and forgiveness for the people who hurt you over the years.
And I can’t imagine how tough it must have been to re-live all of that.
Thank you for listening to God’s call on your life“

“Just want to let you know that my husband is about half way through your book. And he LOVES it! He is an avid reader. He reads a lot of true story, biography type of books. And he is so impressed with your writing.“

“This book needs to be published!!
Your pain and perseverance comes thru loud and clear.
You are one strong woman!!“

“Laurie!! You have such a unique and important voice. It’s truly amazing seeing how your courage & testimony are reaching those who need it!“

If YOU would like to get a free advance digital copy of the book, join the Launch Team–it’s easy and only requires a few extra minutes beyond reading the book itself. Click here to join the team!

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God is Full of Surprises

Several months ago a filmmaker in Toronto contacted me about being a part of her documentary. She enjoys digging into topical issues and wants to make a film about how society treats those who are transgender. She somehow found me and thought my story of faith and finding my place within Christ’s Church was intriguing. Read more “God is Full of Surprises” →

Even When We Know, We Often Don’t

I went to college in the San Fernando Valley in southern California during the late ’70’s. One day as I was driving my VW down this narrow residential street on my way to school, ahead of me maybe 30 or 40 yards was a car that slowed down and stopped. As I slowed down they suddenly started to back up – right there in the street. I didn’t think slamming on my brakes would solve things because the back of their car was getting bigger and bigger as it approached – so I swerved to the right onto the dirt to avoid them, but they caught the back park of my car on the drivers side.

We both stopped, and within 30 seconds out of nowhere there were 5 LAPD black and whites all around us – and this was before the days of cell phones! Turns out there were two undercover cops in the car that hit me. They were keeping an eye on a suspect down a side-alley and obviously not paying attention to what else was around them.

A uniformed officer had me stay in my car while he talked to me. As it happened, the impact jarred my glove box open. A cop on the other side of my car (really, they were EVERYWHERE) noticed a foil-wrapped package I had inside the glove box. Seeing a college student in 1979 driving a VW with a foil pouch in the glove box, the officer on that side of the car asks me “What’s in the package?” pointing to the shiny packet with the unknown contents.

Seeing a college student in 1979 driving a VW with a foil pouch in the glove box, the officer on that side of the car asks me “What’s in the package?

I should add this was my first car accident. I was a little shaken up by the whole experience and feeling just a little intimidated by the legion of uniformed officers with guns all around.

I rather sheepishly told the officer “they’re brownies”.

He grabbed his police radio and muttered something into it then asked me “Is it okay if I take a look?”

Now, I’m 20 years old, and a music major at that! What do I know about my fourth amendment rights of search and seizure? I said “sure, go ahead.”

He reaches in through the window, takes it out and starts to open the package. Then he starts laughing and shouts to another one of the cops “Hey, they really ARE brownies!”

I nervously asked him “would you like one?”

He laughed some more, said “No, thank you,” wrapped them back up and placed them in my car.

He saw the VW, he saw the college student, he saw the foil pouch – and with that information he KNEW what was inside – until he found out that what appeared to be wasn’t really so. (And in case you’re still wondering what all this is supposed to mean – I’ll admit I was a little naive at the time and didn’t realize it either. The officer thought it was probably marijuana – like I said, it was the late ’70’s.)

We all judge the book by the cover. We see the shine and we ooh and ah at the diamond (even if it is just a good cubic zirconia.) We see the public figure with a happy family, wealth and the admiration of others and wish our lives were like that. We see our happy friend and think everything is great with them while at the same time their marriage is falling apart.

Growing up people saw what I looked like, they knew what I did, they spoke with me and based on that, they just assumed they knew what was inside of me – who I was… until I told them what was really inside, and suddenly reality shattered the image they thought they knew.

Just because a girl growing up is a “tomboy” doesn’t mean she’s transgender and going to want to be a man, but likewise just because everything looks totally normal and “together” on the outside doesn’t mean that the young man you see is fine on the inside.

All we want is to be accepted and be part of a Christian family within the church

People who are transgender get beat up by many well-meaning Christians because God “created them male and female” (Genesis 1:27) and therefore that perfection in which Adam and Eve were created has continued without variation in any way since then. And though there are over 4,000 different known birth defects, somehow it just isn’t possible in the minds of some that people can be born transgender. “It’s genetics – it’s science.” Well, if you’re thinking that there is only XX or XY combinations of chromosomes, you’d be wrong. There’s X, XX/XY, XXX, XXY, XYY, XXXX, XXXY XXYY, XXXXY, XXXXX and if it wouldn’t make your brain explode I know a genetic scientist that would probably make you crazy with all the differences that are possible. And this doesn’t take into account the “hormone wash” that occurs when in the womb and the brain is forming.

There are just so many things that can and do happen, to out and out reject that it’s a reality and to consider it willful sin is, well, blind denial and using your faith as the excuse for your own personal disapproval.

Being a Christian and transgender is a source of agony from within and a source of rejection and derision from others when just like any other child of God, love and community is all that is yearned for. I’m an admin in a Facebook group for Christians who are transgender, and just the other day, this darling woman commented on a post of mine saying every so simply what I know so many others feel: “All we want is to be accepted and be part of a Christian family within the church.” That was it. Simple. She didn’t say she wants EVERYONE at church to hug and kiss her, to tell her they’re happy that she’s transgender – she just wanted community among other Christians, to be able to share her life just as others do, and sadly, she’s not finding it at all at her church.

I’m going to a weekly Bible study this summer and we’re studying about Barnabas, who was an encourager. Last week in the course of the study the leader said “the body of Christ is there to offer encouragement to one another.” How sad that the gal on Facebook couldn’t find encouragement of any kind within the body of Christ at her own church and she may very well end up leaving that body.

Some Christians “see” a transgender person and only see an unrepentant person not worthy of their attention and certainly not worthy of compassion or love (though Jesus would think otherwise (Matthew 25:40.) Being transgender doesn’t require a repentant heart any more than being red-headed does.

God (and therefore Jesus) looks at what’s inside us – our hearts, not on our physical, outward appearance (1 Samuel 16:7) – let’s all strive to be more like Jesus.

Oh, and for the record – the brownies in my car… they were just plain ‘ol brownies that my mom had made for me. The brownies in the photo are plain brownies as well. The marijuana leaf in the photo was to help illustrate that what appeared to be so, wasn’t really so. We all do it.

– Blessings

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Excerpt From Chapter One: “God Doesn’t Make Mistakes”

We’re getting closer to our goal but still have a way to go. If you’ve been thinking about helping get the book to print, please visit my GoFundMe page: https://www.gofundme.com/goddoesntmakemistakes

From Chapter One:

January 2000. I live in Sacramento, California. Everyone on Earth had just celebrated like they never had before and the “millennium bug” that was supposed to crash computers and make planes drop out of the sky turned out to be the “millennium dud.” I was the caregiver for my 92-year-old adopted grandpa until he passed away at home January fourth. For the two previous years, I hadn’t been to church. The very small church I had previously attended was the first church I ever attended as “Laurie,” and when it had to close its doors I concentrated on taking care of grandpa. But now he was gone and it was time to find a church home. Read more “Excerpt From Chapter One: “God Doesn’t Make Mistakes”” →

A Site for the Book

I now have a site called GodDoesntMakeMistakesBook.com specifically for my book. I also have a video trailer there that perhaps you’ll check out and if you’ve been planning on helping with the GoFundMe to get it to print, you can click here to get to that page.

Blessings and feel free to share.

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